This Daily Practice Changed our Marriage

We had a baby and forgot our vows

I spent hours before our wedding day trying to perfect the promises I wanted to make to my future husband. After all, the vows are the most important part of the wedding. Not the flower arrangements, the entertainment or the dress, which so often seem to take precedence these days. It was the commitment we were making to one another that no matter what life threw at us, we would face it together.

When Covid-19 shut down the world, this period of time presented new challenges for many relationships. Fortunately, for me and Greg, we found that our love for one another got stronger with all the extra time we had on our hands. We got pregnant that July and were elated for our next chapter.

Transitioning to parenthood comes with new responsibilities, expectations and sacrifices. It’s a role that we were thrown into with zero training. At first, we tried taking on our new responsibilities without asking each other for help. Each of us in our own lane, trying to figure it out as we went. We had ups and downs, but after the initial newborn stage, we finally settled into our own roles as mom and dad. Lucky for us, our daughter was a perfect baby and we were starting to feel like we had this whole parenting thing under control.

Then we moved

When our daughter was 6 months, we decided we wanted to be closer to my family. Greg got a new job and we moved 800 miles away. They say having a baby, starting a new job, and moving to a new home are some of the most stressful life events. We did all three in just 6 months. It suddenly felt like we never had time for ourselves or for each other anymore. Greg was working a ton of hours and on our weekends we worked on stuff for the house and gave time to our daughter. We continued in our own lanes.

At some point we realized we both felt unappreciated. Resentment crept in often. We began fighting for our own time to fill our own buckets instead of fighting for our marriage. After many conversations, we both realized we needed more from each other and also needed more time for ourselves. Problem solved, right? These conversations helped. We started intentionally planning out our weeks, trying to schedule the household tasks, time to ourselves, and time together. Finding a balance was and still is difficult.

It’s not really about the dishes

Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not about the dishes.” Basically the idea is, if you’re fighting about the dishes it’s not really about the dishes. It usually means there are some underlying issues that have nothing to do with who cleans the dishes.

Marriage is messy, and I think when we’re not in a great place as individuals, it’s easy to find fault in our partner. Making changes in how we balanced our time definitely helped us, but I still found myself on the nagging train. “He never picks up his clothes. I’m the only one that plans anything around here. He always leaves the kitchen a mess.” Talking in absolutes like this, especially when it’s aimed towards your partner, is a slippery slope.

How gratitude changed our marriage

It was Greg that suggested that we make an effort every day to express gratitude towards one another. At first it felt kind of forced like when your mom makes everyone share what their thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner. What happened though was I began to look for things Greg does throughout the day that I’m grateful for and all of those things replaced the nagging, toxic thoughts I had.

Gratitude and respect go hand in hand. As soon as we showed gratitude towards one another, we felt more respected. When we feel respected in our marriage, it’s easier to ask for for the things we need from our partner. And in return, we are more willing to do the things our partner asks of us. Whether you speak it out loud or journal it, practicing gratitude is so important to having a healthy marriage. And when you find that you’re on the nagging training ask yourself, “Are dishes the hill your want your marriage to die on?”

He provides for our family.
I provide daycare for our daughter.
He cooks us delicious dinners.
I do the grocery shopping and the dishes.
He works late hours to keep the job that pays the bills.
I wake early to manage and clean the house.
He walks the dog when it's dark and cold outside.
I take the dog to the vet and groomer.
He hangs with our daughter when I go to yoga.
I hang with our daughter when he golfs.
He shows our daughter how to cook and let's her explore the kitchen.
I show our daughter that kitchens are for dancing too. 
He buys me chocolate and flowers.
I plan our date nights and schedule the babysitter.
And every day we thank each other for taking on these simple tasks
Because there really is nothing too small to be thankful for.