Dear Me,
The vows you make today are for life. You will wake up each morning and choose him over and over again. This is no easy feat, for it takes two of you to uphold the same commitment. When it feels hard, come back to your vows. Remember today. Find gratitude in this person you have found that has decided to choose you in return. Love is the most powerful force in the universe, and with great power, comes great responsibility. What I wish I could go back in time to tell you, is this…
Overcommunicate
Yes, I know everyone wrote, “communication is key!” on the marriage advice cards at your bridal shower. They weren’t lying. So communicate, and just when you think you’re on the same page, communicate again. Never make assumptions. Tell him everything, especially when you’re questioning if you should say it out loud. It’s pretty special to have someone in your life you can tell anything to.
Life is full of distractions- kids, jobs, etc. Figure out how to communicate despite them. Remember, a key part of communication is listening, so hold each other accountable for your responses. Acknowledge what you both have to say. Know his communication style and help him understand yours. It’ll take time to learn each other’s languages. Keep working at it. You’ll need that solid foundation to help you get through the hard shit.
Understand and Respect Each Other
Understand the very essence of his being. Be the person in his life to understand him in a way that no one else does. Show empathy towards one another.
The things that attracted you to him when you first started dating may be the very same things that now drive you crazy. Respect his spirit. You attract each other because of your unique differences. Together you create a balanced energy. Remember, you don’t always have to be right. You can both take a different path to get to the same destination.
Have Your Own Thing
You do not have to feel bad for requesting time to yourself. You will learn, that giving each other time and space for play or rest, will benefit your relationship. When each of you tap into your creative side and make time for your own passions, your buckets will fill enough to pour into each other’s. You will create a joyful home. Plus, the dinner conversations are much more lively when you can talk about the things that excite you. You will inspire each other as soon as you both start supporting each other’s dreams rather than fighting for your own time.
Make Time for Each Other
This one is crucial, especially after having kids. Your love language is quality time. His love language is touch. Funny thing is, when you both haven’t made time for each other, you don’t want him to touch you and he doesn’t want to be in the same room as you. Just like making time for communicating is important, time for romance is also important. Go on dates. Don’t expect him to plan it. You’re the planner, so just run with it.
It’ll be harder to make time for each other once kids are here. Hire the babysitter. Make your relationship a priority. Try not to talk about the hard stuff like finances and schedules on date nights. Focus on connecting again. Remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place.
Go to Bed Angry
Unpopular opinion…you can go to the bed angry. You’re both still going to wake up married. You don’t process emotions the same way. Hold each other accountable for communicating that you need space. Then, give each other space. If he’s not at his best, protect your energy. It’s not your job to carry each other’s emotions, but always be there to listen and support one another. Let him know you’re not going anywhere.
Don’t Forget About “We”
In the path of marriage, you can no longer choose yourself without also considering the 3rd unit, “we.” This choice, much like having kids, requires sacrifice. You should never sacrifice your beliefs, but there will other things that you sacrifice, like time, money, or energy, that may feel unfair at times. Don’t be quick to start counting your share vs. his. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself in a competition instead of a loving relationship.
It’s not, “I cooked dinner 3 nights this week, so now it’s your turn.” or, “you went golfing for 5 hours, so I get 5 hours to myself.” Yes, voice your needs, but also respect his. This is where communication comes into play again. Life is too short to worry about trivial things. There will be seasons you give more than he will, and there will be seasons you don’t have enough to give. Once you throw out the idea of finding a perfect 50/50 split, you’ll both stop counting your fair share and balance will come naturally.
“Us” Before Kids
You made vows to each other, not your children. Our job as parents is to care for, provide, teach, nurture, guide, and then one day, let go. When that time comes, it will be you and him, the original foundation. It’s easy to drift apart after having a child. There is less time for yourself, so obviously there is less time for the two of you. The thing is, kids know when you’re not on the same page, and it’s confusing. When your kids see a loving, supportive relationship modeled, it provides a safe and secure home. Your marriage requires the same nurturing that your children do.
“Us” Before Them
You have friends and family that were there for you long before him. There is a sense of loyalty you will always feel towards those special people. However, you will not live with these people or raise children with them, so while you can respect their opinions, they have no place in your relationship. Also, complaining to others about your relationship will not solve the problems in your marriage. You two are a team, and it’s only the two of you out on the field. You must work together and be each other’s biggest fan if you want to win.
Do Your Work
You will never have it all figured out. You will make mistakes, change your perspective often, and grow with each new challenge thrown your way. Be vulnerable. Let down your shield. Your authenticity is what he loves about you. Show your range of emotions. They don’t scare him. Just don’t be emotionally dependent on him. You know what you need to do, in order to work through the hard shit. It’s like practicing for a big game. If only one of you does the work, the other person has to pick up the slack for the rest of the team. Do your work, so you can best show up for him. Ask for the same in return.
Re-visit Your Values
Your values and family goals will change as you enter new seasons of your life. When you are on the same page with your values, it creates a sense of unity. Build traditions that cultivate joy for the whole family. Compose a mission statement, “We are the Harts, and we value…” You can weather any storm, when your foundation is strong.
Finally, relationships require reflection. Reflect often, communicate again, trust him, and above all else, love him unconditionally today, tomorrow, and every day after…just like you wrote in your vows.
Love,
The future you- Mrs. Hart
