How to Escape the Role of the Default Parent and Have a More Equal Partnership

What is the “default parent?” It’s the parent who manages the schedules and appointments, preps and makes the meals, stays on top of the laundry and supplies, responds to all emotional needs, and just knows the routines and where things are. It’s exhausting. Sometimes being the default parent is a choice. When I stayed home with my daughter, it was our family’s choice. I was the default parent for the most part, and my husband was the default earner. This family dynamic used to work for us.

Many times, the default parent falls on the mother and it’s just kind of assumed. Don’t agree with me? Has your husband ever gotten, “It’s so nice you took the kids grocery shopping with you. Where’s mom today?” I know I’ve never been asked that question when I’m out with my daughter. A friend of mine went to a family party while her husband stayed home with their sick child. Everyone asked why she didn’t stay home. Then they praised her husband for caring for their child. I’ve heard countless stories just like these. The expectations of mothers are just different.

Being the default parent for everything is an impossible standard to live up to

Why are these expectations a problem? With more houses requiring 2 incomes, it’s not feasible for a mother to work and be the sole caretaker and homemaker. While I’ve seen fathers stepping up more to be equal partners in parenting, I still feel there is this pressure put on moms to do it all.

After we decided I was going back to work, me and Greg had so many conversations surrounding this topic. I brought it up because I was (I am) afraid of feeling burned out. Parenthood and Marriage is not easy and every day seems to present a new challenge. We definitely have not worked out a perfect balance. Let’s be real…is that even attainable? But we are working towards a stronger, more equal partnership where we both feel supported.

Feeling resentment? Here’s what to do about it…

If you are the default parent, you may have felt resentment towards your partner at one time or another. The definition of resentment is, “the bitter indignation of having been treated unfairly.” This feeling of resentment may be caused by having to bear the weight of all things parenthood while your partner plays a less active role in the day to day responsibilities. Instead of allowing this feeling to consume you, I challenge you to recognize it and use it to advocate for yourself. Identify areas where you need more support from your partner.

Have you ever found yourself saying to your husband or kids, “Do you know what I do all day?” It’s more likely that they don’t have any idea what you do all day just like you have no idea what they do all day. I’ve observed my husband stack the dishes on the dish rack until it becomes a balancing act or until I clear it. He has no idea that I clean out the fridge every Friday or that the dog gets his flea and tick medication on the 15th of the month. When he does bath time, he needs to be reminded to use lotion for our daughter’s eczema. While it seems like he should know these little things, he hasn’t had to. And I’ve also made it okay for him to not. Until now.

Have an open and honest conversation

It’s time to accept that husbands aren’t mind readers. They’re not even good detectives. Once you know what areas you need support in, be clear about how you want your partner to support you. Ask the same from your partner. They have needs too. What are your expectations of each other?

Even when I was the chosen default parent, there were times I wanted to ask for help but thought I was supposed to take it all on myself. I’ve found that when I wait too long, that feeling of resentment starts to build. When I let this happen, it often comes out in a sudden burst of anger which usually results in an argument. Communicating your needs as soon as they come up is important in a healthy marriage.

Divide and Conquer

What really helped us was making a list of all the responsibilities. A visual helped Greg see all of the tasks I normally took care of and helped me get them all out of my head. It was easy to divvy up the responsibilities and feel like what we were taking on was fair. Some tasks, like cleaning the house seemed daunting for both of us during this transition in our life. We hired a house cleaner to take it off both of our plates.

Plan weekly check ins

We just started scheduling weekly check-ins, and we actually put it on the calendar. During the week we are on opposite schedules, so scheduling uninterrupted time for us has been a game changer. Our work commitments look different week to week, so we have to coordinate things like daycare pick up or who’s cooking dinner. We also try to schedule in time for our own hobbies and quality time with each other.

Play to your strengths

When we moved in together 8 years ago, we struggled with sharing our space. I would get frustrated at Greg for missing details while cleaning. Greg would comment on the dish I cooked for us telling me how he would’ve made it differently. We wanted to feel good about how we were supporting each other, so we made a change that played to our interests and strengths. He cooks dinner and I clean up the kitchen when he’s done.

Give up control

My toxic trait is asking my husband to do more around the house and then inspecting his work like, “that’s not how I do it.” As a type A perfectionist, giving up control is difficult for me. I found this to be really challenging when my daughter was born. She became my full-time job and I felt this sense of ownership when it came to caring for her. When Greg or someone else stepped in to help, I’d tell them how to do things. With this shift in my going back to work, I’m no longer in charge of her routines and schedules or how put together the house looks. Although I’ve gotten better about this, I’m still learning to accept help from others and be okay when things aren’t done my way.

Be a team

Before we had our daughter, we promised that we’d choose us before our kids. That being said, it’s been difficult at times to navigate parenthood as a team. Sometimes I feel like Greg is the fun parent and I’m the rule keeper. Greg sometimes feels like I tell him what to do with our daughter instead of including him in the decision-making. As our daughter is getting older we’ve had more and more conversations surrounding how we want to parent together. Things like how we’ll deal with behaviors, the importance of consistency, what values we want to teach her, etc. Having a teamwork mindset makes our relationship stronger in order to best show up for our daughter.

Show gratitude and grace

We’ve had to give each other a lot of grace since I started back at work. My first week back we had an unexpected visit to the vet and the pediatrician and ended the week with a stomach bug. Greg had to step up in ways he never had to before and I had lean on him for help more than I had to before. Neither of us are doing it perfectly. Just last week I had a total meltdown. Since going back to work, I feel like I’m failing at motherhood, marriage, and my career. Clearly I need to work on giving myself grace. Showing each other gratitude and grace in your marriage is not only healthy, but can help you feel supported by your partner when you’re going through a challenging time.

Accept that finding a 50/50 balance is impossible

I’ve talked a lot about fairness and equal partnership, but trying to find a perfect 50/50 balance is unrealistic. Tracking the number of chores you each have or the number of hours you spend to yourself definitely won’t help you come together as a team. While it’s important to feel like you’re sharing responsibilities, it’s also important to accept that there will never be a perfect balance. Some weeks you may need to take on more than your spouse. Other weeks it may feel like you’re both running on empty. When that’s the case, my best piece of advice is to outsource. Order takeout, hire help, and put on a movie for the kids.

Know that there’s one thing that might never get taken off your plate in motherhood…

One thing that often falls under the default parent is the emotional needs of the family. Our mom intuition is our greatest superpower and also our kryptonite. There’s a reason that your husband doesn’t wake in the middle of the night when the baby is crying, but you always do. We are natural caretakers. I’m not saying fathers don’t care about their child’s emotional needs. It’s just different. The mental load of motherhood is a lot and there are things I worry about that never even cross Greg’s mind. Here’s an example…

I was just telling him today about how it makes me sad that our daughter doesn’t want to go to daycare tomorrow. He replied, “it’s good for her to have these other experiences. She needs to learn that other people will take care of her.” “I know this,” I said. “But it still breaks my mama heart and I have so much mom guilt.” And then in a very matter of fact way, he said, “I think that’s why fathers were created. So that she still goes to daycare tomorrow.”

Put on your oxygen mask first

Greg doesn’t understand all of the worries I have as a mom, and I’m not sure he will ever fully get the “invisible load” of motherhood. This is why moms have to lean on other moms for support. The reason I created this blog is to help you feel less alone on your own motherhood journey. If you take away anything from this post, let it be this…Even though you are in charge of little people who rely on you for everything, and that’s a very important job, it’s also your job to take care of yourself. When you talk to your partner about sharing the load, make sure you prioritize time for you. You’ll show up as a better mom and wife when you put your oxygen mask on first.