It’s time for New Year’s resolutions and this year I am committing big time to mine. I want to be a more present parent to my daughter and a more present partner to my husband.
Living in the moment is something I’ve always struggled with. I am a great planner, maybe the best, but in planning all the future details, I tend to miss out on what’s right in front of me. It’s been painfully clear lately that this is something I need to change. I see the urgency when my daughter tugs my hand asking me to play while I’m holding my vacuum in the other hand prepping for guests. My husband also made me aware of it just last week. He came home from work, and I immediately started shouting out our to-do list for the holidays instead of getting up to greet him hello.
I’m also returning to work in January. This means less time with my daughter which breaks my mama heart. It’s more important than ever that she has my undivided attention when we are together. And with the many hats we wear as mamas, sometimes that can be difficult to do.
I realize that because this doesn’t come naturally I had to come up with ideas for how to be a more present parent and partner. These are my 8 tips for living in the moment…
1. Dance in the Kitchen
Music can be a total mood changer for me and can get me out of some of my funks. I notice this is true for my daughter too. My husband always complains that whenever he tries to stop me mid-task, I have to finish the task first before giving him the time of day. Music and dancing is the one thing he can pull me away for. The dishes can wait when Black Eyed Peas “Gotta Feeling.”
2. Leave Your Phone in Another Room
Sometimes I worry about what I’m modeling for my daughter when I’m heads down on my phone. Technology has allowed us to work remotely, complete tasks in the moment and even get every moment on camera. Unfortunately we have become so addicted to our devices. Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m lost in my phone until something pulls me away from the scrolling. The best way to break this habit is leaving my phone in a different room. It takes away the temptation to pick it up for any reason.
3. Put Your Thoughts on Paper
You know when you can’t sleep because you have a million thoughts running through your head? The same thing happens to me whenever I’m in a resting state. As soon as I sit down to play with my daughter or take a break to eat a meal, my mind immediately starts thinking about what’s next.
Sometimes it’s so intrusive that I can’t just let the thoughts go until later. When this happens, I start writing. If it’s anxious thoughts that I can’t get out of my head, I write them all down in no specific order. If it’s tasks I need to complete, I make myself a to-do list, so I can put it out of my mind and check it later.
4. Practice Gratitude
I started a gratitude journal this past year and it totally changed my attitude. What happened was I began looking for gratitude throughout my day instead of just thinking about it when it was time to journal. Anytime I feel gratitude in my day, it connects me with the present moment.
Not sure where to start? Begin with a gratitude journal. Then work on pausing throughout your day to think about what you’re grateful for in the moment. Committing to a daily gratitude practice with my husband was the one practice that changed out marriage.
5. Schedule Special Time Together
Some days are busier than others, but if there’s one thing I have learned as a new parent, it’s just how quickly time goes by. You know that saying, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone?” I think of this often now that I’m heading back to work. I never want to regret not spending enough time with my daughter or my husband. On the other hand, finding that perfect balance when you’re being pulled in so many different directions is difficult.
As someone who loves a good schedule, adding special time in my calendar works for me. It may sound silly, but schedule play time with your child every day. Plan special outings with the family or date nights with your partner at least once a month. When it’s scheduled time, it makes it easier to separate from the other stuff you have going on.
6. Ground Yourself
Have you heard of the 54321 grounding technique? It’s a great strategy to use when you’re feeling anxious, but it’s also helpful in coming back to the present. Name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell and 1 thing you taste. With this method, I’m instantly brought back to the moment which helps me be a more present parent and partner.
There are a ton of other grounding techniques that will help you stay in the present, but they often need to be practiced. Just like with any new skill, the more time you spend practicing it, the easier it will become. Yoga and walks outside always help me connect with the present moment. Try out different grounding techniques to find what works best for you.
7. Make time for hellos and goodbyes
Before going into my daughter’s room to wake her up, I have always made it a point to reset before greeting her. If I’m feeling off, that could set the tone for her entire day, so it’s important that I put on a smile and put everything else aside. Bedtime is our special time of the day. My phone stays downstairs along with the rest of my worries. We talk, sing, cuddle, and act super goofy. It’s the best way to end the day.
Hellos and goodbyes are just as important with your partner, but sometimes these start to become mundane tasks once you’re married. With my husband’s busy work schedule and our toddler needing constant attention, we have become two ships passing in the night. Greeting each other and saying goodbye have become quick and less intentional.
I’ll never forget, when I was a moody teenager barely giving my parents the time of day, my dad once said to me, “give me a hug goodbye, you never know when it might be the last time you get to hug me.” Hellos and goodbyes matter. Your relationship with your kids and with your partner matter. Everything else is just everything else.
8. Embrace the Mess
Embrace the boogers and crumbs that come with parenting and marriage. If you’ve read about me then you know this is hard for me. That being said, it really is one of the best ways to be a more present parent and partner.
It may look like letting your toddler splash in the puddles or play in the dirt. When your husband grabs you around the waist to dance with you while your cleaning the dishes, leave the mess. Share your feelings even when they’re messy. It helps you make room for all of the good feelings. Just be however you are in the moment and allow your family to do the same.
