In sharing my own experiences, I hope to help whoever is reading this feel a little less lonely on their own parenting journey. That being said, these are MY OWN experiences and you too will have your own experiences. It’s how we learn and grow as parents and the lessons don’t stop after that 1st week.
1. Grief
No one talks about the grieving of your old life. Overnight you trade in your identity and your freedom for a brand new life. You are no longer the person you were before “mom and dad” and at some point this realization will hit you. For me and Greg, we felt this early on. For some it might happen later. I assume people don’t talk about it because they feel shame for having those feelings. I know I did. Being a mother was something I always wanted and knew would be in my future so why was I feeling this way?
I remember laying with Greg and our dog, Bodhi sometime in the first couple weeks that our daughter was born. She was asleep and it was just the 3 of us enjoying a quiet moment together. I was surprised when I started to feel really sad. I missed this…I missed what life was before we had a baby. With that thought came another, “How dare you feel this way? What a blessing it is to be a mother when so many woman cannot.” I could not let Greg see this side of me. I was so embarrassed that I got up and left the room to collect myself. If given the choice in that moment, I’d 100% choose my daughter over our old life. Couldn’t I still miss it though?
Greg went through something similar. I noticed him distancing himself from me and the baby and expressing that he’d like to get out of the house. When I confronted him, he shared similar feelings. I’m grateful for our relationship and the honest conversations we have. We both realized how important it is to create time for the things we love to do. Since those early days, we’ve transitioned quite easily into our new roles. Don’t get me wrong, parenting is still hard, but I no longer feel that sadness when I think about my old life. Being a mom is the most rewarding job I’ve had. I’m sharing this experience to tell you that grieving your old life is a normal part of the parenting journey.
2. Resentment
Resentment by far is one of the ugliest feelings in motherhood. In those first weeks a mother needs to nourish her body with water and nutrients. She needs to sleep and she needs time to heal from delivering a human into this world. A newborn needs to be fed every 2-3 hours, warm comforting hands to mimic the womb, and a lot of extra TLC to help transition into this new scary world. Mother and baby’s needs cannot both be met. It’s just simply impossibly on your own. Naturally in my new role, I put baby’s needs 1st. In doing this, the sleepless nights and the change in hormones began to take over my already fragile body and very quickly resentment crept in.
I remember when I first felt it. My parents were visiting from Florida the first week to help us out. Because of Covid-19, I hadn’t seen them in over a year. They welcomed us home from the hospital with warm hugs. My mother-in-law was there too. They were enjoying their take-out dinner and some beers which my husband was excited to indulge in. (I would too if I could.)
We had gotten home late from the hospital because it took them 5 hours to get our paperwork together. I was thrilled to see everyone but also wanted my bed. There was no time for sleep though. I sat in my kitchen reading the manual for how to work my pump which was so different from the one at the hospital. My mom and mother in law asked if there was anything I needed (as moms do) but all I really needed was sleep and a shower. After pumping, I went upstairs knowing I’d have to wake again in a couple hours. This did not help quiet the mind for sleep. Again, I heard everyone enjoying themselves and all the new baby cuddles downstairs. I was bitter that I finally got to see my parents and I couldn’t really enjoy their company.
My parents stayed for a week and were a tremendous help. Once they left we went back to our normal household chores. Greg still had to work, and I no longer had help with baby duty. It was a middle of the night feeding and I could hear Greg snoring as I tried to get our daughter to latch in a new position that was more comfortable for me. It wasn’t working. I was exhausted and frustrated, and I began to feel angry that he didn’t have to do this. I begged my daughter out loud, “Come on. Just help me please. I’m so so tired.” What am I doing? I began to resent myself for resenting my husband. Another thought entered, I’m so pathetic. Why can’t I figure out breastfeeding on my own? Tons of moms do this. The self talk was brutal.
It wasn’t the last time I had feelings of resentment in motherhood. Now I have a better awareness and when these feelings begin to come up, I always ask myself, “What am I missing that’s making me feel this way?” Usually it’s self-care. I know I can’t be the best mother to my child or best partner to my husband when my bucket is empty. As an empath and natural caretaker, I’ve had to remind myself of this often. New mamas, hear me loud and clear, please make self-care a priority.
3. Helplessness
After delivering my daughter, the doctor stitched me up. Then she told the nurse she was going to call in another doctor to check her stitches. This seemed strange to me. When the new doctor arrived, he pointed out all of the mistakes that she made when stitching me up and said, “we’re going to have to take these out and re-do everything.” No one ever addressed me during this time or explained what happened. The nurse handed my daughter to me in this moment. While I was so happy to finally hold my beautiful baby, I couldn’t quite understand the icky feeling in my stomach. Later I realized it was anger and regret for getting stuck with the one doctor from the practice that I was not fond of and for trusting this doctor to cut me and fix me.
With a catheter in me I pretty much stayed in bed the whole hospital stay. Lucky for me I had never had a major medical procedure, so getting around the clock care was foreign to me. It felt strange and I felt weird about calling in the nurses for help. I knew I’d have to heal after having a baby but I also expected my mind and body to just jump into motherhood with the same energy I always had. When my body did not respond that way, I felt that I was not enough for my daughter or for my husband. I remember looking in the bathroom mirror at the hospital and I saw someone I didn’t recognize. Again the negative self-talk was brutal.
When we got home from the hospital I was still having issues in the bathroom (IYKYK.) I was so sleep deprived having never caught up from our hospital stay. I wanted so badly for my body to just be back to normal. Then I did something I would tell every mother to NEVER do. I began an internet search on 4th degree tears. This brought me down a rabbit hole of horror stories, and I began thinking the worst case scenario was going to happen.
Right after this, I vividly remember looking in the mirror and thinking I should get dressed out of this robe but even that task seemed daunting. Right after that thought came the overwhelming list of to-dos – I really need to eat and drink water. I should go hold my baby, but I also need to pump. Just like that the overwhelm hit. I completely lost it. I let out the loudest, heaving sob, buried my face in my hands and collapsed to the ground.
Greg and my mom came running upstairs because they thought I had fallen. I couldn’t get the words out to say, “I wish that’s all that happened. I wish I fell and it hurt and I was crying for that reason. Because the real reason I’m crying seems like no good reason at all.” Instead I just pathetically sobbed, “I CAN’T DO THIS.” My mom jumped in to hug me and I could hear her pain in seeing her daughter this way. I understood it now because I had a baby of my own. She hugged me and reminded me, “The baby blues are normal. It’s okay you’re feeling this way.” None of this felt normal. I felt like I had no control over any emotion. I felt broken- like I’d never get my body or my identity back ever again. The negative thoughts were on repeat.
Greg respectfully asked my mom to leave the room so it could be just the two of us. It has been and will be just the two of us in this parenting journey. He held me as I sobbed some more and held tighter to assure me that he wasn’t going anywhere and I was not in this alone.
4. Loving my husband even more
Enter the hero in this story. I don’t know how long Greg sat there holding me while our parents cared for our baby downstairs. He stayed with me until I felt like I could get up and make my next decision on my own without bursting into tears.
I told Greg I was so worried about my body healing back to normal and was so angry with the doctor for messing up my stitches. I asked if he would look at them to make sure they looked okay. This is why we say, “in sickness and in health.” He looked at my stitches and I braced myself for his reaction. He stood in front me and looked at me the way he always has. “Everything is healing just fine. You are so beautiful, and I’m so proud of you.” That’s what he said after looking down there. God what did I do to deserve this man?
Rewind to labor, Greg never left my side and was so encouraging. He made the doctor pause before cutting me to make sure that was what I wanted. He was my voice when my mind was somewhere else.
I’ll never forget looking at him holding our daughter. The way he looked at her like she was the most magical thing that’s ever happened to him would melt anyone’s heart. I always knew Greg would be a great father. I never knew it would make me fall even more in love with him.
5. An Abundance of Gratitude
Although my hospital experience was overall not great, I can’t say thank you enough to the nurses. To the nurse that very firmly requested my epidural for the 2nd time when the anesthesiologist was in high demand, thank you. To the nurse that recognized my mental state that 2nd day and told everyone to stay out of my room so I could sleep, thank you.
And to the nurse that stayed by my side all during labor, I can’t thank you enough. When the doctor yelled that me and my baby’s heart rate dropped and then called in a team for vacuum delivery, this nurse explained everything very calmly. She made me feel at ease my entire labor. After labor, she told me I did such a great job. Then she got real serious and reminded me to take care of myself above all else because the tears I had were severe. She was younger than me and yet more like a mother to me than anyone else in that room.
Thank you to our family. I can’t imagine getting through that first month without their help. My parents stayed with us the first week. My dad prepared us food, and my mom did all of our hospital laundry, ran errands, and cleaned. Both of them took over baby duty so I could nap or shower. This was HUGE especially because Greg still needed to catch up on emails and take calls for work. Once my parents left, Greg’s parents and sister came for visits bringing meals, doing dishes, and taking care of our daughter. We even went on our first date night just a couple weeks after she was born while Greg’s mom and dad watched her. Dating your husband is more important than ever once you have a kid.
Our 2nd day home from the hospital we received gifts at our front door. Friends and family sent gifts to congratulate us and welcome our daughter. The best was they didn’t even ring the doorbell because they knew. They knew we were in that house trying to figure it all out and didn’t need anyone interrupting those first few days with our new little family. I was so thankful for the thoughtful gifts and even more thankful for the quiet gesture. It’s times like these that remind us how lucky we are to have the most supportive family and friends.
